Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
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Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Pretty certain I can more drunk
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles