Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
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Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Ok, but like, how married are you?
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*