Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
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My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
selena gomez
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”