[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
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we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals