[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
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Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*