[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
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My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.