[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
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[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!