[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
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ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
So the ex texted me
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
a lot to unpack here
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING