[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
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Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.