[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
You Might Also Like
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho