[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
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What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
.. do you even science?
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Everything reminds me of my ex
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium