[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
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Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
blocked.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French