[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
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[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack