@PJTLynch: Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
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@drinksmcgee: I always buy a woman a popsicle on the first date to get a feel for how things might go later.
@joshbupkes: that moment when football players come out of the locker room and realize they're all wearing the same thing again
@LeBearGirdle: Neighbor: can you watch my dog? Me: like through your window? N: no, I meant like- Me: cause I don't do that now N: watc- Me: okay once