Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
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Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
What a year we’ve had this week.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean