@PJTLynch: Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
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@Im_Tricia: I wish there was a way to tell if this guy is being nice to me because he likes me or if it's just because he's Canadian.
@iVanillaGorilla: You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
@NotThatKevin: I said my wife's name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet's empty...