Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
You Might Also Like
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Just had my nails done!
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.