[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
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[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments