[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
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Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy