[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
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me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?