HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
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[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
We decided to have money instead of children.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.