Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
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The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids