@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
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8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Happy Halloween 🎃
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.