Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
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Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Every work meeting this week
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.