Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
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You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
I wanna be friends with this person
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.