Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
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Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
My purse is deeper than some people.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit