Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
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When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
How did we not see this back then?
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”