EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
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If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist