Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
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Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Oh we’ve met.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew