Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
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I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol