[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
You Might Also Like
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what