[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
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Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
I need a headline like this
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn