a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
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My doctor says I only have one diabete.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?