Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
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After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Our lord and savoury.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.