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Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that