Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
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I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Harsh but fair
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog