“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
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*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round