HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
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(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?