hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
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*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.