Wednesday
You Might Also Like
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
No selfies while hijacking a train.