H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
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Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.