Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
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[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
In banana years, I am bread.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?