As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
You Might Also Like
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!