“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
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Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin