“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
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*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.