HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
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I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
respect
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.