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we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Simple
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood