HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
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MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
My zodiac sign is pistachio
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t