@thepunningman: Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
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@scorpicpanda: Me: *lying nude on checkered blanket* Him: "Where's the food and why are you naked?" Me: "Am I doing it wrong? This is my first picnic."
@mrtruthandsoul: Boss: You're not fired but we're taking away all your responsibilities. Me: Cool, a promotion! Boss: No-- Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
@RealDMK: Daughter (5): "Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline" Me: "Well you're short and can't spell chrysanthemum"