Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
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My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
somebody come look at this
Every damn time
Free him
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”