@dulcetry: Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
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@RealDMK: Daughter (5): "Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline" Me: "Well you're short and can't spell chrysanthemum"
@NateKofiStruck: The janitor lady for my apartment building asked me out on a date & said she had some weed. I told her I'm not into high maintenance women.
@LMuenster: [orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I'll only have to tell my mom 'I love her' for them] Cashier: that'll be $5,364.32 Me: shit
@zwina_summer: My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn't enough time.