February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
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I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?