Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
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CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
thinking about a very short hotdog
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.