Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
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Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.